


Split Second

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Other: See Story Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 01:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/792327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So much can happen in so little time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Split Second

## Split Second

by jhourdhaun

Author's disclaimer: I don't own any of them, but my muse claims the story.

Private feedback - kudos, criticisms, or comments - is always welcome. 

Eternal thanks go out to my wonderful beta, Katie. If you think this story is good, thank her as well. If you think it's bad, blame me. :-) 

JIMBABES BEWARE. If you don't like seeing a darker, less than caring Jim at times, don't read this. If you do anyway and you get upset and want to call me on it, I have no problems discussing your lack of grasping warnings. <P(ure)EG>

This is a sad one from SentinelAngst that seemed to adapt itself to slash and it stops at a nasty place. 

Oh yeah, this started out as a bedtime story from Taleya and when her muse gave up the ghost, mine took up the challenge. I tested this out on her and she said something along the lines that I was heartless. I just love our friendship! 

Oh yeah #2, I played fast and furious with the hearing in here. A couple of my cops said it could go off like this if the department did adhere to a tribunal hearing. The procedure mentioned is based in fact cause I got it out of one of the cop manuals I get to play with once in a while. 

* * *

Split Second  
By jhourdhaun 

Jim Ellison found himself in a daze as his eyes refused to move from the terrible display in front of him. He couldn't believe what he was seeing - didn't want to believe it was possible. 

"Omigod. What have you done?" Blair whispered in horror. 

The simple question ricocheted within his head for the slightest moment and then he was moving, running, ducking in between crates and trash littering the floor, barely aware of Blair's presence at his back, coming in hard and low just like he'd been taught. 

Like the cat he embodied, he dropped down gracefully beside the fallen form of his lover, and without thought he began applying pressure to the bleeding wound. Every sense was tuned into the tableau before him. All his focus was on the blood. 

_FLASH_

Bright red blood. 

Blood from a bullet. 

A bullet from his gun. 

So much blood. 

_FLASH_

His subconscious barely recognised Blair's frantic pleas to the dispatcher for an ambulance. Without even trying, he could hear every one of his partner's hitching breaths as he tried to get out the call numbers for an officer down. It wasn't until he felt the warm wetness on the back of the hand that was desperately trying to stop Simon from bleeding out that he realised he was crying as well. With a muffled curse, pressing harder and harder, Jim watched, hypnotised at the way the bright blood welled up between his fingers like pressing his hand into wet sand. 

_FLASH_

So much blood. 

_FLASH_

As his grief grew and his grip lightened, he was vaguely aware of Blair folding up the phone behind him, shoving him to one side, and knocking away his helpless, useless hands. At the change in pressure, the wounded man groaned in pain, causing Blair to flinch and ease up. When he was sure Simon was just reacting and not regaining consciousness, he resumed the pressure. 

Quietly, Jim took all of this in while he backed away, vaguely hearing the chant of his guide's voice, soft, over and over, "It's ok, Simon, it's gonna be ok, shh, take it easy, it's ok, it's ok." 

A flash of something caught his eye and he found himself turning away from the scene in front of him and looking down at the blood on his hands. His hands - red with blood. 

_FLASH_

Simon's blood. 

Oh god, what had he done? 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

_FLASH_

And suddenly something inside him grew, bloomed, flowered, broke and he turned and ran from the blood daemons chasing him. 

Before he could get too far away, something inside of him stopped his frantic flight and wouldn't allow him to move any farther. Even from this distance, he could feel all of the heat draining from Simon's body. His long ago training and his need to do _something_ kicked in as he violently wrenched off his jacket, returning to his friends. 

"We need to get him warm again. He's going into shock." As gently as he could, he placed the jacket around Simon, covering Blair's hands - hands that were the only things supplying his mate with a barrier from drowning in his own blood. 

In the background, Jim could just make out the mournful wails of the sirens en route, and he prayed like he'd never prayed before that they would make it in time. Standing watch like the Sentinel he was, his sense of Tribe narrowed to the two men on the ground in front of him - focusing, pinpointing on every movement, every breath. He wasn't aware of anything more until he found himself pushed out of the way again by the paramedics rushing to Simon's side. 

"Jim. JIM. JIM!" A voice yelled at him from outside his self-imposed hell. "Come on, man. Snap out of it! I need to know what happened, and I need to know as of yesterday." 

Jim's sight opened up and he was able to take in the activities around him once again. As if a switch had been flicked, sound, touch and smell expanded and Jim finally registered the presence of Joel Taggert beside him. "Sorry, Joel, I- I don't know what happened. I guess I must have," his voice tapered away to nothing. 

Joel could tell his co-worker's attention was on the frantic motions behind them and he sympathised, but he needed answers. "I understand, buddy. He's my friend too, but he'd want us to carry on just like that was a regular joe over there. Now, I need to know all the facts and I need to know them ASAP, Detective." 

"The facts, Joel? You want the facts?" Jim's soul ached as a desperate call from Blair and a flutter of Simon's heart signalled more crises. Using every technique his partner had taught him to ignore outside sounds, he focused on the man in front of him and answered with all of the conviction and self-anger he had weighing on him, "The fact is I shot him, Joel. I aimed the gun. I fired. Simon went down." 

_FLASH_

Movement to the right. 

Glare off metal. 

GUN! 

Don't think - just do! 

So loud. 

Another shot? Blair? What happened? 

Omigodomigodomigodomigodomigod! 

So much blood. 

_FLASH_

"I shot him, Joel. I thought he was the perp and I shot him. Simon's dying because of me." 

Before the larger detective could reply, the small entourage of medics, Blair, and Simon started moving toward the ambulance. As if an invisible line pulled him, Jim began to stumble his way towards them until an arm reached out and stopped him. "No, Ellison. Things are gonna be tight enough as it is with Blair along. You can ride with me cause they're gonna need as much room as possible to keep him going." 

Latching on to that last statement, Jim's face twisted into a mask of pure anguish. "Keep him going?" Pain-filled blue eyes slowly raised until they were locked with the caring brown eyes of his friend. "It's bad?" 

Joel Taggert had often been compared to a mountain throughout his life because of his quiet strength, but when faced with the quiet desperation of the man in front of him and the probable death of one of his oldest friends, he couldn't fight the twin tears that fell down his cheeks. "It's bad." 

_FLASH_

So much blood. 

Simon! 

I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. 

_FLASH_

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Zeroing in on his work partner's wild heartbeat, Jim willed his leaden feet to move faster into the trauma waiting room. Once there, he came to a complete and utter stop at the sight of Blair drenched in drying blood - Simon's blood. 

_FLASH_

"You honestly don't have a clue, do you? It really is so foreign a concept after this long together." He accepted the silence with defeat. "I love you, Jim - have for some time. I see no shame in what we have - I could say the words proudly to anyone that asked me how I felt about you. I love you that much that I can say the words - out loud and to anyone who'd listen. But, I'm not asking for us to announce this to the whole world - just to our friends, the people we trust our lives to everyday." 

"And who's to say they might not trust someone else around here enough that they might share our relationship with him or her. And then that person might be comfortable enough to tell someone else and so on until the whole precinct knows. Then what, Simon?" Jim ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Last time I checked, you're still my superior and very male. The _least_ you could expect is demotion, but since you've played it clean and righteous since you've been captain, I expect there'd be those who'd do everything they could to destroy you." 

"They could try, but I'm made of stronger stuff." 

"Strong enough to take on a bullet? Have your backup suddenly not show up? Have files suddenly disappear allowing murderers and rapists to go free? You strong enough for that?" 

"If I had to be." Simon moved closer to his lover. "I've thought long and hard about this. You don't know how it tore me apart having to pretend like you were just another one of the men in my department the times you were hurt. You don't understand how painful it is having to dodge my son when he starts worrying about me being alone." Simon held out his hand, hoping that Jim would take it. "All I want is for us to be honest with our friends and family - let them know how much we love each other." 

Jim turned away from the hand and spoke to the wall, "I can't do that, Simon. It's too big of a risk. I just can't." 

Simon's hand dropped in defeat. "Of course you can't. I guess I've been expecting too much - you can't even say the words to me. How can I expect you to say them to anyone else?" 

"What does it matter if you say them when they obviously don't stop you from trying to destroy one of the best things that has happened to either of us in a while? You're asking too much of me. You know how I feel about you - you've known almost from the beginning without the words. Why are they so important now?" 

"I don't know why I need to hear this now. I don't know why I'm pushing you so hard. You think I don't know how silly it sounds? You think it's easy for me to stand here and practically beg you for this?" 

"You think it's any easier for me to have to say no?" 

"Honestly? Yeah, I do. I think if we did live in a perfect world, with no worries, you'd still not tell me what I need to hear - let alone acknowledge us." 

"You really believe that?" 

"Yeah, Jim, I do. Something inside of you still isn't comfortable with all of this and that _something_ is what's stopping you - not your fear of retaliation or reprisal. No matter what you say, that's what it boils down to." Simon shook his head with a sense of detached despair. "At this rate, I'll probably be on my deathbed before I ever hear you say it." 

Jim felt the anger that had been just beneath the surface boil over and without a second thought he answered, "You're probably right. With the way I'm feeling right now, you'll be in your grave before I say the words." 

_FLASH_

Focused on his internal thoughts, Jim barely registered Joel coming up behind him and Blair wearily joining them. "How is he, Blair?" 

The younger man looked like his spirit had drained away along with Simon's lifeblood as he had to clear his throat twice before speaking. "He coded twice on the way here. It took everything the paramedics had to bring him back the second time. The doc - the doctors weren't being very optimistic when they took him back into the trauma room." 

"They think he's gonna die?" Though it was posed as a question, Jim said it like a statement of fact. 

"I don't want to hear talk like that, Ellison. I don't care what the damn doctors think. Simon's a fighter - always has been and always will be - and nothing's gonna change that. You got that?" Joel demanded first of Jim and then Blair, who both sluggishly nodded. "Good. Now, I'm gonna go and see if I can locate Daryl. I think Simon mentioned he was on night rotation for the next few weeks. If something happens, have them page me." 

Both men silently watched Joel head down the hall, then like puppets whose strings had been cut, they dropped into seats, ignoring the colourful patterns of red they left in various spots. For a while, neither man seemed able to find his voice. People came and went in the waiting room, faces filled with joy and sadness, but neither of them noticed because their thoughts weren't on the present, but rather on the past. 

Blair finally shook himself from the fugue he'd been in since he'd arrived and looked over at his companion. "Can you hear anything?" 

"No. Every time I try, I come up on some kind of interference. I just keep getting nothing." Nothing, just like he'd given Simon. 

"Are the senses gone? Is this like with Danny?" Blair paused for a second. "Considering how much closer you are to Simon, I could see that happening." 

"No. I almost wish the senses were gone," Jim whispered tiredly. 

"So, then what happened at the warehouse, man? I mean, one minute we're tracking Peterman and the next, Simon's down." 

_FLASH_

GUN! 

So much blood. 

_FLASH_

"I don't know. I saw the glare off a gun to the right and I fired. I never saw S-Simon. It wasn't until I saw you fire and Peterman go down to the left that I realised something was wrong." 

Jim futilely wiped at his eyes, but instead of clearing them, he smeared more of the blood across them painting his face into some type of death mask. 

_FLASH_

So much blood. 

Bright, red blood. 

Officer down! 

Oh God. 

Simon! 

What have I done? 

_FLASH_

"Jim?" A tentative voice called. 

The bigger detective straightened in his seat as his heart lurched at the sound. Slowly he turned and instead of the face of a little boy desperately searching for his father, he found the fearful eyes of a young man seeking answers to his questions. 

"Daryl?" Jim stood and moved around Blair, who was still seated. "Sorry, I didn't hear you come up." 

Daryl Banks valiantly tried not to lose control in his patrol blues as he took in the bloody mess of his friends. He was an officer now - albeit a rookie - but an officer nonetheless. He had to tap into that wellspring of strength his fellow brothers in blue relied on in times like this. He had to show everyone what Captain Simon Banks' boy was made of - no matter how afraid he was. He had to be strong for this man in particular \- for reasons he never mentioned, but he knew all the same. "I heard the call and Joel tagged me that it was my dad." He couldn't tear his eyes away from all of the blood. Could someone survive after losing that much blood? "H-how is he?" 

Before either man could answer, a doctor ran from the trauma room calling out Simon's name. When he saw the three of them staring at him and the state of the clothes of two of them, he walked over to the group. "You here for Simon Banks?" He watched the silent nods and continued. "We're trying to stabilise him so we can take him up to surgery right now. The bullet did some pretty nasty damage in his chest and abdomen and the sooner we get in there, the sooner we can start dealing with everything." 

Jim couldn't stop himself - even though he really didn't want to know the answer. "What are his chances?" 

"I don't like giving odds - doesn't help the patient or the loved ones." He paused a moment at the stricken looks of the men in front of him and decided to offer them something. "Look, I've been doing this a while and I've seen people in a lot worse shape than him pull through. He seems strong and healthy and that's going to go a long way in his favour. Just keep him in your prayers and think good thoughts." And as quickly as he'd arrived, he returned to his patient. 

Daryl hadn't liked what the doctor had to say, but he knew in all things medical, his hands were tied. So, instead, he offered up a silent prayer for his dad and turned his attention to the men in front of him. "What happened, guys? Joel wouldn't tell me anything. Did Peterman get the drop on him?" 

Jim didn't want to do this, but he knew he owed Daryl this - could possibly owe him so much more depending on the outcome of the night. Just as he was about to answer, Blair's hoarse voice rang out. "Jim and I were running over our plans for the warehouse when Simon drove up. He didn't seem too happy about us being there, especially without any backup, but he was there for us. He kept trying to get us to wait up, but Jim and I picked up on something from inside and we were scared Peterman was about to run." 

Blair paused for a moment to clear his voice and then continued without looking at his partner. "Jim took off in the direction of the noise and I wasn't too far behind him because I really wanted this bastard as well. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Simon set up to handle the front. Jim and I made it in through the back and we slowly started our patrol. We came up to what seemed like an opening in the various rows of boxes." He took another deep breath to try to calm himself, but he barely managed to contain the pain in his voice. "I'm not sure what happened next. Everything seemed to come in flashes. Jim seemed to catch sight of something to the right and fired and then I looked up and saw Peterman to the left aiming at us. I didn't even think before I fired; I wasn't even aware I hit him until he fell..." 

"But, if you took out the perp," Daryl interrupted confused, "how?" 

"I shot him, Daryl. I saw some of the light bounce off of your dad's gun and I thought it was Peterman. I-I didn't even think it could have been Simon. I." Jim couldn't finish as his throat closed up on the words \- words that were tearing into his soul. 

_FLASH_

Surprised disbelief. 

Falling, falling, falling. 

So much blood. 

_FLASH_

"I'm so sorry, Daryl." Tears started racing down his face as his stoic demeanour shattered. "I didn't mean to... I could never hurt him. Never him." 

As the older, seasoned cop seemed to lose whatever control he'd been barely holding, the younger, newly-minted one stepped up and gathered him into his arms in comfort. He knew how much this was destroying his father's "friend". "It's okay, Jim. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. It's gonna be okay. It wasn't your fault. I know that. It wasn't your fault." 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Various types of tubes and monitors and IVs that seemed to be the only things keeping Banks alive surrounded his still body. Jim couldn't believe how pale Simon looked. The other times he'd seen him in the hospital, the other man had never looked this pale - there'd always been a hint of life in his face. Now, there was nothing. 

Not liking the reality of the present, Jim turned his focus back to the past. 

&

"You comfortable?" Simon asked as he pulled Jim closer to him on the couch. 

Snuggling deeper in the loving arms, Jim smiled with feline contentment. "Oh yeah. I could sleep the night away like this." 

"Oh really? Wouldn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose of the Captain of Major Crimes inviting his Senior Detective over to review training videos at the special behest of the Chief?" A rather nasty snort rose up from the cocoon of arms and Jim's voice, slightly muffled, soon followed, "As if that's the only reason you invited me over, Bear." 

"It's the official reason. When Chief Warren calls tomorrow and asks what we'd do to improve the scenarios, I don't think he'd accept the excuse of snuggling for not watching the videos." Simon lowered his hand and pinched his lover's thigh. "And what have I told you about calling me Bear?" 

"Ouch!" Jim sat up and glared at the larger man. "What's the big deal? It fits you and I like it." 

"I didn't think we were the types to come up with pet names." 

"Not manly enough for you, Simon?" 

Simon snorted, "Not when every time you say it, I think of Daryl's old teddy bear he used to sleep with when he was younger." 

Jim chuckled as he lowered his lips to his lover's neck and started nibbling his way down the hard, brown body. "Would it make you feel better if I told you I think of grizzlies every time I say it?" Soul-deep moans were his only responses as he latched on to a dark nipple. A devilish grin came over Jim's features as he pulled away and looked Simon in the eyes, "Roar for me, Bear." 

&

Jim had hoped remembering the happier time would have helped him as he sat beside his comatose lover. Instead, the memory had done nothing more than bring home to him how much he could lose if Simon didn't make it. As if the scene before him wasn't enough to remind him of that fact. 

The doctors had gone in and repaired as much as they could and removed what they couldn't. According to them, Simon probably resembled a patchwork quilt on the inside - but it still might not be enough. He'd lost a lot of blood and the trauma of having a bullet ricochet within him like a pinball had lowered his chances of survival considerably. 

They'd pulled Daryl to the side and warned him he might want to contact any family members that might want to say their goodbyes. It hurt Jim's soul that he wasn't included in that group, but it had been his decision and he had to live with it. He just hoped that Simon would live so that he could remedy the situation. 

The young man had taken the news bravely and had used his time after seeing his father to contact everyone. Jim could only admire the strength Daryl was showing and he vowed he'd let the younger Banks know how proud his father would be of him. Daryl deserved that. 

But what did he deserve? 

Even though the doctors had lifted the restrictions on the timed visits in ICU, Jim couldn't stop himself from looking down at his watch for the millionth time. He was just so restless! 

Dammit! If only he could re-do it, he knew he'd do it differently. He wouldn't aim! He wouldn't fire! He wouldn't run! 

Oh god. He'd almost run back there. When Simon had needed him the most, it had taken a pure force of will for him not to get as far away as he could. Every part of him had screamed for him to run from what he'd done and he had almost given into it. 

Why? 

_FLASH_

Blood. 

Blair applying pressure. 

A faltering heartbeat. 

Run. 

Hard to breathe. 

Everything closing in. 

RUN. 

Simon's dying. 

In your grave before I say the words. 

RUN! 

Dead before I say the words. 

RUN!!! 

So much blood. 

He's dying and I never said the words! 

_FLASH_

With a sigh of relief, he jumped up to answer the door as someone knocked. Seeing the man in a bad suit waiting on the other side, he quietly left the room and pulled the door closed behind him. "Can I help you?" 

"Detective Ellison? Detective Sandburg said I might find you here." The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a wallet and flicked it open to reveal a badge and ID. "Lt. Valdez, IAD. I need to ask you a few questions." 

"Of course. I've been waiting for you guys." He directed the IAD officer to the waiting room at the end of the hall and positioned himself so that he could have a clear view of Simon's door. "Come to ask for my badge and gun?" 

"Do I need to?" Valdez eyed the dishevelled appearance of the detective. Though Ellison was now free of the blood and grime from the day before, it was obvious by his expression Valdez still thought Jim looked like he'd been through the wringer. "Look, Ellison, I'm just here to listen to your story and make sure it flows with other accounts. I'm not out to hang you - looks like you're doing enough of that yourself. I, like the brass, just want to know what happened so that we can figure out how to explain this. Okay?" 

"Okay. I just haven't had the best of dealings with past IAD investigations. I don't want this one to turn into the same kind of thing." 

"Understood. Just tell me what you know and what went down and everything will work out for the best." 

Jim's eyes focused on the door that blocked his view of his mate and he offered another of many prayers, before he whispered, "From your mouth to God's ears." 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Simon still hadn't awakened from the coma three days later when Jim's IAD hearing began. 

All of Major Crimes turned out in support of their fellow detective, and Daryl sat on the other side of Blair, letting everyone there know whose side he was on. This display was enough to convince most of the other attendees that Jim Ellison would be cleared of all wrongdoing and this incident would be relegated to some misfortunate accident. 

However, it still unnerved Joel Taggert when he saw Lt. Valdez smile down at the folder he'd been given when he'd entered. In his time as an officer, a smile from an IAD detective was never good. He just hoped this time would be different. 

"Detective James Ellison, please come forward." When Jim did, he was seated facing a standing Valdez. "Even though this isn't considered a formal hearing, you do understand that anything you say here will be considered under oath? Correct, Detective?" Seeing Jim's nod, Valdez continued. "Detective Ellison, could you state the events of October 18th of this year leading up to the friendly-fire shooting of Captain Simon Banks?" 

In a clear, unwavering voice, Jim explained what had happened that fateful night giving precise details. Only when he described the immediate events leading up to Simon's shooting did he falter, but he regained his voice and continued on to the end. 

"Is there anything else you'd like to add, Detective Ellison?" 

"No, sir." 

"Then you may return to your seat." The IAD officer waited until the man was settled before turning towards the younger man beside him. "Detective Blair Sandburg, please come forward." Blair did so and Valdez offered him a friendly smile. "Detective Sandburg, you realise that anything you say here is under oath, correct?" 

Blair nodded and his voice rang out with confidence. "Yes, I do." 

"Good. Could you state the events of October 18th of this year leading up to the friendly-fire shooting of Captain Simon Banks?" 

Just like his partner, Blair described what happened that night in his own words. Once he finished, Valdez again smiled at him and asked, "Is there anything else you'd like to add, Detective Sandburg?" 

"Not that I can think of, sir." 

"I see. Well then, I guess that's all." Blair stood, but before he could move back to his seat, Valdez blocked his path. "Sorry to do this, but I just thought of some other questions I needed to ask. Would you mind taking your seat again?" The younger detective frowned, but did as he was asked. "Thank you. Now, Detective Sandburg, how long have you been partnered with Detective Ellison?" 

"Umm, officially, about a year." 

"And, unofficially?" 

"Well, when I served as an observer, I was paired up with him for about four years." 

"And, am I to understand you also live with him?" 

Blair was starting to feel uncomfortable. "We share a loft apartment. His room is upstairs and mine is down. We are not involved in any way other than as friends and partners on the job." 

"I'm sorry, Detective, I wasn't implying you were. I was just trying to establish that you know Detective Ellison well - well enough that you'd be able to decipher his various moods and state of mind." 

"Yes, I believe I would." 

"Good. Then how would you describe Detective Ellison's state of mind lately?" 

"Well, he has been focused on bringing Peterman down. Jim was the one who found the last little girl's - Leslie Jenkins - body and he'd vowed he'd get him. We all did - Simon included. The man was a butcher and it was ripping us all apart to see what he was doing to those girls." 

"You said focused. Was he totally focused on the case?" 

"Of course. I just said he wanted to bring Peterman down." 

"So, as far as you knew, nothing else was on his mind? No personal issues were bothering him?" 

"Not that I was aware. Jim doesn't bring his personal life to the office." 

"Really? That's interesting, especially considering Detective Ellison has been written up several times for his attitude on the job because of things he, himself, labelled as personal." Valdez removed several pieces of paper from the file on his desk and placed it in front of the three officers at the head table. "This is a printout of Detective Ellison's file. It would seem that Ellison has had several reprimands for bringing personal issues to the office." He turned back to Blair. "Did you know about these incidents, Detective Sandburg?" 

Blair swallowed as he looked out at his friend and partner. "Yes," he answered quietly. 

"I'm sorry, what was that?" 

"I said, yes. I knew about some of those incidents." 

"So, saying that, would it be safe to assume that on the morning of the 18th, Detective Ellison may have brought a personal issue or two into work with him?" 

"I suppose it would be an accurate assumption." 

"You suppose. Well, I _suppose_ that's as good an answer as I'm going to get." Valdez eyed Sandburg with a trace of something that almost looked like contempt. "That day, did you have a conversation with Captain Banks concerning your partner?" 

"Yes." 

"And what was that conversation about?" 

"I was trying to explain that Jim was really focused on getting Peterman before he could hurt anyone else and he really wasn't meaning to be so harsh with everyone." 

"Did you discuss anything else with Captain Banks?" 

Blair wasn't expecting the question and he blinked several times trying to grasp it. "We, uh, needed to talk about something personal." 

"Personal? You considered Detective Ellison's attitude over the last few days at work as personal business?" 

"No, I - I was worried and I needed to talk to a friend." 

"Oh, so since this was personal, why not talk to Detective Ellison? He's your friend, right?" 

"I couldn't." 

"Why couldn't you?" 

"Because it was Jim I was wo-worried about." 

"And you thought Captain Banks could help you? Why? I mean, if this was personal, why go to your boss?" 

"I thought he could help" Blair glanced over at the panel of officers. "Captain Banks is not just my boss - he's a friend as well. Besides, it's not unheard of for an officer to go to his supervisor if he's worried about his partner." 

Valdez chose to ignore the last bit of Sandburg's comment. He nodded as if in great thought and then moved closer to Blair. "You mentioned help. Help with what? What was so important that you had to talk to Captain Banks right then and there? Why was he the only one you could talk to?" 

It was taking everything in Blair not to lash out at the man in front of him, but he managed to contain himself - barely. Refusing to answer, he turned away and looked at the far wall. 

"Never mind, Detective Sandburg. I think I have some idea." Valdez took a deep breath and released it in a slow hiss. "The reason you could only talk to Captain Banks about your partner was because Captain Banks was a factor in the problem, wasn't he?" 

"Beg pardon?" 

"When you went in to see Captain Banks, wasn't it because you knew he was the reason behind your partner's 'personal' problems?" 

Blair'd had enough. "Why would you think that? I told you why I was there and what we discussed. I just needed a friendly ear to listen and Simon \- Captain Banks - was there for me." 

"Fair enough, Detective Sandburg." Valdez returned to the file folder and pulled out several stapled sheets this time and brought them to the front table. "This is the statement of Rhonda Anderson, administrative assistant to Captain Banks. If you will look at the top, Ms. Anderson states that she had been speaking with Captain Banks over the intercom prior to Detective Sandburg's arrival in the office, and because of the intensity of the talk the intercom was forgotten. If you will move down to the centre of the first page, you will see that Ms. Anderson clearly heard Detective Sandburg bring up the fight between Detective Ellison and Captain Banks." He turned back to Blair. "Is any of this ringing a bell, Detective?" 

Blair paled as his memory took him back to that morning in glorious Technicolor. "Yes." 

"What did the two of you talk about after you said that?" 

"I - I told Simon he might should back off with the demands." 

"Demands? Captain Banks was demanding something from your partner?" 

"Yes." 

"What was Captain Banks demanding from Detective Ellison?" 

If looks could have killed, Valdez wouldn't have still been standing as Blair answered snappily, "Since you seem to be holding the transcript, wouldn't that mean you already know?" 

Valdez laughed at the bravado of the young detective. "Excellent point. I suppose I can back away from that question graciously - for now." He looked back at the paper in his hand. "Do you remember asking the captain for a favour?" 

Closing his eyes, Blair nodded as he replied, "Yes." 

"What was that favour?" 

"I-I asked Simon to just let it go for now. I tried to explain that Jim was extra stressed because of the Peterman case. I told him that things were closing in on Jim and that he needed to give him some room before he exploded." 

"That's an odd favour. You were _that_ worried about what Captain Banks was demanding that you asked him to step away from Ellison and give him some room?" 

"Yes." 

"And what was Captain Banks' reply?" 

"Simon didn't get a chance to answer because Jim came in." 

"'Jim came in.' Jim came in? You mean, he just casually strolled in like he hadn't a care in the world?" 

"I said he came in." 

"According to Ms. Anderson's statement, he burst in rather angrily and confronted you both with conspiring behind his back. Is that a more accurate telling?" 

"I suppose." 

"You suppose. There's that statement again. Well then, Detective Sandburg, what else do you suppose was said?" 

"Simon tried to calm Jim and let him know we weren't conspiring against him. Jim couldn't believe we were discussing the situation at the office where just anyone could hear..." 

_FLASH_

"What the hell is going on here?" Jim demanded as he slammed the door behind him. "Is this little discussion of my life limited to you guys or can just anyone join in?" 

Blair quickly moved in between his friends, hoping to minimise the brewing storm. "Jim, this isn't what you think." 

"Isn't it? Weren't you and Simon discussing me here behind my back?" 

"It wasn't like that," Blair responded, shaking his head. 

"Then what was it like, Sandburg? What was so damn important that you had to talk to Simon in his office of all places?" 

"Granted, the place may not have been my brightest move, but I was worried." Blair placed his hand on Jim's arm in a soothing manner. "You're not thinking clearly about this whole Peterman thing. I mean, this snitch isn't the most reliable in the best of times, let alone now. I just think you've got too much on your mind to be heading out there." 

Jim's jaw looked like it would crack any minute under the force of his anger. "My mind is totally on getting Peterman, nothing more. My gut tells me this is good and I'm gonna go with it." 

Simon seemed to come to a decision and jumped into the fray, "Jim, there's no guarantee this tip will net us Peterman. Sandburg said your informant was too jumpy - almost like he was coached to do this. I just think you're putting too much faith in this." 

"And I think you're so scared of stepping on toes and getting your hand slapped by the brass that you're ignoring what your gut instincts are telling you." 

"I'd watch myself if I were you, _Detective_. My gut is telling me you're on the edge and my instincts are screaming for me to pull back on your leash. You're walking a fine line without a net and I'm worried you're headed for a fall." 

"Not with this one, Simon. I know it's right. Peterman is a creature of habit - of course he's gonna head back to one of his shrines. We should count ourselves lucky that we have any idea which one." 

"So, if you're so sure about this why won't you let me call in some backup? I could pull in Taggert, Connor, Rafe and Brown with no problems and we could watch your back." 

"And how is that gonna look to the brass if this doesn't pan out? Simon, this is my tip, my informant. He warned me there wouldn't be a lot of places for a group of cops to hide - Peterman picked these places specifically because of that. My informant knows how much I want this guy and he's giving him to me." 

"And doesn't that make you wary? It's too nice and neat. He's handing you Peterman tied up in a bow - real life doesn't work that way." 

"I trust him, Simon. On this, I'm willing to take a chance." 

Simon released an angry puff of air. "So, you're willing to take a chance on some hyped-up snitch but you refuse to do the same for our friends." 

Blair was shocked to hear the bitter resentment in his friend's voice and he tried to disarm the situation. "Guys, maybe this isn't the best place to get into this. I was wrong to come in here and say anything to Simon." He did a quick glance out the windows of Simon's office and saw that the bullpen was nearly empty. "Why don't we save this discussion for later and try to work on it on neutral ground. Staying here is just adding gas to the flame." 

Jim shook his head, "No way. It was started here and it's going to finish here. If you want out, leave now. Otherwise, sit down and shut up." Blair considered his options before sitting down. Once Sandburg was settled, Jim turned back to deal with Simon. "Now, tell me what one thing has to do with the other?" 

"Never mind, Jim. I was out of line. I shouldn't have brought our home life into a discussion about work." Simon sighed tiredly as he rubbed his temples. "I've had a long few days and my mouth is running ahead of my brain. Let's just follow Sandburg's suggestion and take this up somewhere else after we've rested." 

"I said no. You picked the place and the time and I'm accepting the challenge." 

"But what about the others?" 

Jim walked over to the windows and pointed towards the bullpen. "Most everyone is gone and those that are still here are just gonna get an earful." He turned back to Simon and glared at him. "That's what you want, isn't it? You want to take our life together and put it out for all to see. Well, here's your chance." 

Closing his eyes, Simon sighed. "Not like this, Jim." 

"Why not like this? It's what _you_ said _you_ wanted. Regardless of what I felt - my concerns. This is what you were pushing, so here it is." 

"Jim, I never said you couldn't have concerns - hell, I have concerns \- but I can't keep doing this. I know how I feel and it's hard walking around here pretending I don't." 

"Simon, I'm not asking you to stop your feelings. I just don't see why we have to broadcast what we have. It's no one's business where or how we spend our downtime. This is between you and me - that's all that matters." 

"I'm not proposing we shout it off the rooftop of headquarters - I just don't want to hide it from our friends or families." 

"Daryl knows." 

"No, Daryl suspects. That time he came over to the house unannounced and found you in your robe, you practically demanded that I come up with something other than the truth. He didn't really believe me." 

"You didn't lie to him." 

"No, but I told him a half-truth which is something I've never done - I don't like keeping secrets from him." 

"You've done it before, about my senses, why does this have to be different?" 

"Because, dammit man, it is! I'm sneaking around like some kid out for a quick fuck instead of an adult spending time with the man he loves." 

Jim pointed over at his silent friend who was trying not to get in the middle of this. "Blair knows. Isn't that enough?" 

Sighing, "I guess for you it is. I'm just not sure it's enough for me any more." 

"So, what are you saying? You're willing to throw away three years of our lives just because I won't verbally acknowledge what we are to each other and set instant targets on our backs?" 

"You're missing the point, Jim." 

"I don't think so. Are you or are you not giving me an ultimatum - tell and whatever shit happens we face together in your perfect little world where our brothers in blue won't take us out with friendly fire or don't tell and end up alone?" 

"It's not that simple!" 

"Isn't it, Simon? Isn't that what it all boils down to - do it your way or no way?" 

"Well, don't you think I'm entitled to it?! Don't you think after this long, I deserve it? After three years of putting up with _your_ shit, _your_ insecurities and _your_ fear responses - three years of jumping through _your_ hoops, can't I expect - want - something more?" 

"So, if all this time has been the pure hell you're making it out to be, why would you want it to continue?" 

"You honestly don't have a clue, do you? It really is so foreign a concept after this long together." A defeated pause. "I love you, Jim - have for some time. I see no shame in what we have - I could say the words proudly to anyone that asked me how I felt about you. I love you that much that I can say the words - out loud and to anyone who'd listen. But, I'm not asking for us to announce this to the whole world - just to our friends and family, the people we trust our lives to everyday." 

"And who's to say they might not trust someone else around here enough that they might share our relationship with him or her. And then that person might be comfortable enough to tell someone else and so on until the whole precinct knows. Then what, Simon?" Jim ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Last time I checked, you're still my superior and very male. The _least_ you could expect is demotion, but since you've played it clean and righteous since you've been captain, I expect there would be those who'd do everything they could to destroy you." 

"They could try, but I'm made of stronger stuff." 

"Strong enough to take on a bullet? Have your backup suddenly not show up? Have files suddenly disappear allowing murderers and rapists to go free? You strong enough for that?" 

"If I had to be." Simon moved closer to his lover. "I've thought long and hard about this. You don't know how it tore me apart having to pretend like you were just another one of the men in my department the times you were hurt. You don't understand how painful it is having to dodge my son when he starts worrying about me being alone." Simon held out his hand, hoping that Jim would take it. "All I want is for us to be honest with our friends and family - let them know how much we love each other." 

Jim turned away from the hand and spoke to the wall, "I can't do that, Simon. I just can't." 

Simon's hand dropped in defeat. "Of course you can't. I guess I've been expecting too much - you can't even say the words to me. How can I expect you to say them to anyone else?" 

"What does it matter if you say them when they obviously don't stop you from trying to destroy one of the best things that has happened to either of us in a while? You're asking too much of me. You know how I feel about you - you've known almost from the beginning without the words. Why are they so important now?" 

"I don't know why I need to hear this now. I don't know why I'm pushing you so hard. You think I don't know how silly it sounds? You think it's easy for me to stand here and practically beg you for this?" 

"You think it's any easier for me to have to say no?" 

"Honestly? Yeah, I do. I think if we did live in a perfect world, with no worries, you'd still not tell me what I need to hear - let alone acknowledge us." 

"You really believe that?" 

"Yeah, Jim, I do. Something inside of you still isn't comfortable with all of this and that _something_ is what's stopping you - not your fear of retaliation or reprisal. No matter what you say, that's what it boils down to." Simon shook his head with a sense of detached despair. "At this rate, I'll probably be on my deathbed before I ever hear you say it." 

Jim felt the anger that had been just beneath the surface boil over and without a second thought he answered, "You're probably right. With the way I'm feeling right now, you'll be in your grave before I say it." 

_FLASH_

"He said that? He said, 'you'll be in your grave before I say it'?" Valdez questioned. 

Hatred flowed from every pore of Blair's being and it was all directed at the IAD investigator. "I told you what he said." 

"Yes, you did. You also admitted that you knew Captain Banks and Detective Ellison were involved." 

"Does this have a point, Valdez?" 

"Oh yes, Detective Sandburg, this most definitely has a point." He smiled at the younger officer nastily. "Since you seemed to be the only one that knew about them, it would be safe to assume you'd be able to comment on their _relationship_ lately." 

"I don't think I'm in any position to discuss their relationship since I'm not one of the parties involved." 

"Ah, but by your own admission, you stated you went to Captain Banks' office to get him to back off on his demands of Detective Ellison and then you just told us about what happened in the office. You've been witness to these two instances and I have a feeling several others considering you live with the Detective. I think that allows you to comment about them." 

"If you say so." 

"As a matter of fact, I do. So, how would you describe their relationship lately?" 

"I don't understand." 

"Don't you, Detective?" Valdez moved forward so he was right in Blair's face. "Let me break it down for you. Would you say they were happy, bored, carefree - how would you describe them in the last few weeks?" 

"I, uh, well." 

"Since you seem to be at a loss for words, why don't I help you out?" Again, the nasty smile came out. "Would you call their relationship a bit strained lately? Is that a pretty good description?" No response. "Detective Sandburg?" 

"Yes, I'd say 'strained' is an adequate descriptor." 

Valdez stepped back a little and focused everything on Blair. "So strained that the last thing Detective Ellison said to Captain Banks in his office could have been construed as a threat?" 

"What?!" Blair demanded shocked at what he was hearing. "Of course not! It wasn't like that with them." 

Trying to calm the man, Valdez held his hands out in surrender, "Of course not. What was I thinking?" He took a deep breath and released it smugly. "Please bear with me. Just a few more questions, Detective Sandburg." Valdez moved further away from Blair as if he sensed the young detective was fighting not to attack him. "For the record again, what were you and Detective Ellison doing at the warehouse that night?" 

Blair wanted this over. He was seething as he spat out, "Jim had received a tip that Peterman was going to be there. He figured this might be the best chance to catch him." 

"Did Captain Banks know of this tip?" 

"Yes. Like I already said, I told him about it." 

"What was his reaction to your going?" 

Blair didn't want to answer, but he could see Valdez wouldn't let this one go. "He didn't think that with the way things stood, we were up to it." 

"Neither of you or your partner specifically?" 

"Jim. Simon felt there was too much stuff going on for us being out there, possibly going after Peterman." 

"So why didn't he just pull Detective Ellison off of the case? Wouldn't that have protected all concerned?" 

"I can only guess because I don't know Simon's, I mean Captain Banks', mind. But, he probably knew Jim would still go." 

"It's obvious that's what happened even though Captain Banks was against it." 

"Yeah. Jim felt this was too good a chance to pass up." 

"Did you let Captain Banks know of this decision?" 

"No." 

"So, why do you think Captain Banks showed up?" 

"What?" 

" _Why_ do you think Captain Banks showed up?" 

"I guess because he was worried about us and he knew..." 

"And he knew what?" 

"He knew Jim would be there." 

"Against specific orders." 

Sandburg hesitated. "Yes." 

Valdez moved in like he was waiting for the kill. "Detective Sandburg, were you and Detective Ellison wearing vests that night?" 

"Yes, we'd made it there early enough to outfit ourselves." 

"How much time would you say elapsed between your arrival and Captain Banks?" 

"I don't know. Maybe five or ten minutes." 

"So, would you say there was still time before the informant said you should be there?" 

"About ten minutes or so." 

"Plenty of time for Captain Banks to say pull in, get out, yell a bit at you two for disobeying orders and then put on his vest?" 

"I guess. I remember him getting out of the car with his vest and moving towards us. He was angry, but he was there for us. Not necessarily in an official capacity, but as a friend who wanted to make sure we'd be okay." 

"As a friend, you say?" 

"That's what I said. As a friend." 

"Did you see Captain Banks put on his vest?" 

"Uh, no." 

"Why not? You said you saw him get out of the car with his vest and walk towards you. If he had it in hand, why didn't he put it on?" 

"About that time we heard something from the warehouse and Jim and I were on the move." 

"So, how would you describe Detective Ellison after you heard the noise from the warehouse? What was his state of mind?" 

"I-I don't know if I can speak on his state of mind at that time." 

One of the administrators moved forward in his seat and finally spoke, "Try, Detective Sandburg." 

Blair's head dropped and his breath rasped out of his mouth. "He was determined to get Peterman. He was totally focused on what was ahead of him." 

"Detective, could you state for us the proper approach for this type of endeavour?" 

"The proper approach when you have more than one team is for one to cover the entrance and the other to cover the exit." 

"And this is standard procedure?" 

"Yes." 

"So, with three officers on site, would it be safe to assume that you would be considered two teams?" 

Blair could see the hole before him, but he was helpless to avoid it. "Yes. Detective Ellison and I took the exit because the noise seemed closer and it would seem Captain Banks took the entrance." 

"And with this being standard - by-the-book - there would be no use of voice commands?" 

"That's correct. It's called a 'quiet drop'. It's assumed that all parties involved are knowledgeable of the procedure. Only after the perp or perps have been engaged are you allowed to use voice." 

"I see." Valdez stepped away from Blair and turned to face a near broken Jim. "One final question, Detective. Being the experienced officer that he is, would it be safe to assume that Detective Ellison should have anticipated Captain Banks' position, considering that the entrance was to his right, and compensated for it?" 

Blair knew the answer and he knew the others did as well, but still he fought it. He knew how it would sound. A throat clearing beside him finally made him realise he couldn't avoid it no matter how much he wanted to. With eyes that shot fire at the man who was causing him to throw his partner to the hyenas, he had to answer if only slightly above a whisper, "Yes." 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Suspended. 

Suspended pending a full investigation that included a psyche evaluation. Possible charges would depend on several factors. Simon's recovery or lack of being the main one, but also the results of the psyche review and whether or not the DA thought he'd targeted Simon because of some lovers' blow-up. 

Whatever the decision would be, he'd be lucky to make it out of this with his badge, let alone his gold shield. Amazingly enough, he really couldn't prompt himself to feel much sadness about that. If it would make Simon come out of this okay and whole, then he'd willingly give up his badge, his gun, his freedom. 

Jim couldn't think of any way to make this up to his lover - no sacrifice could make this right. As he made his way up to ICU on the elevator, he kept trying to come up with something that would help Simon - fix what he'd done. Nothing came to mind. If he was honest with himself, he didn't believe there was anything that _could_ fix this. Not even finally saying the words would undo the damage. 

As he passed the nurses' station, he thought he heard someone call his name, but it wasn't until a petite hand grasped his arm that he stopped. 

"Detective Ellison?" 

"Yes." 

"I'm sorry, but you can't go in to see Captain Banks." 

"Oh, is his doctor in with him?" 

The nurse couldn't look in his eyes and she seemed very nervous. "No, at the request of Captain Banks' family, you've been denied access to him." 

"Denied? Family?" 

"Yes, Officer Daryl Banks asked that your name be removed from his father's visitor list. I'm really sorry." 

Jim silently watched as the nurse went back to whatever duties she'd been doing before he'd arrived. He could tell she hadn't wanted to tell him of Daryl's decision and he didn't hold it against her. She was just doing her job. 

Thoughts of jobs led him back to how all of this started and he had to close his eyes and brace himself for the recall of memories that had been plaguing him constantly. When he could finally open his eyes, they automatically sought out the door to Simon's room - so peaceful, so quiet. Too quiet. He couldn't hear anything because his senses wouldn't allow him. They were punishing him too. 

He didn't even try to wipe away the tears that fell down his granite cheeks as he stumbled towards the waiting room wall - keeping the door in sight all the while. As he slowly sank to the floor rubbing his hands against his jacket as if he was trying to wipe something off of them, all he could do was whisper over and over again, "I'm sorry, Simon. So sorry. I love you." 

Ende 


End file.
